Zen and the Crappy Relationship
I am sure everyone here has a story or has at least heard a story about the perfect couple who fell in love at first sight and stayed that way for decades.
Last month, my health insurance company called me up out of the blue to tell me that they received a claim from one of my doctors that “set off a flag” and made me eligible for a $2500 payout on my “critical illness” policy. This was all news to me. The representative asked me to ask my doctor to send her official diagnosis to their fax number.
At first I was surprised, but then I thought about how great it was that this money just fell from the sky. The truth was that I purchased “Critical Illness” insurance in case something happened to my girls, but when someone tells you they’re going to give you $2500, you just count your blessings.
I hadn’t heard anything from the company for awhile, so I logged onto their site. There was a document there that said “Claim Denied.” So, I’m sitting there thinking, “You called me and told me about this payout and then you deny the claim? That’s a little sadistic don’t you think?
The thing was, I was also listening to Eckhart Tolle books all week. “The Power of Now,” and “A New Earth,” and I was trying as hard as I could to employ his teachings. Things are never really bad or good, they just are. The $2500 would’ve been nice, but how much of my life was I willing to throw into the compactor over it?
There existed for me, in that unexpected situation, an opportunity to expand my spirituality. And to be perfectly honest, something else made it a little easier for me to shrug off the money. As I mentioned last week, I am head over heels, crazy for someone who feels the same about me and, not only has that not happened to me in years, I was starting to try to convince myself that those days were behind me. My idea became that, perhaps I’d find someone in my mid-fifties that I’d date. It would be comfortable and, after so much therapy, I’d be a better partner than I was in the past.
But that drug like, exciting, my heart beats faster when we talk on the phone kind of thing? Kid stuff. Incredibly wonderful kid stuff–but kid stuff all the same.
I decided to think back to the last time I was this blown away by another person and the funny thing is, everything always seems to pale in comparison to “this time”. I didn’t let that get in the way. I decided to imagine I was back there and I asked myself how head over heels became heading for the wall. What events took place that ended something that felt so perfect in the beginning?
Gravity? Could it just be that that is how something that starts with that much intensity is destined to go?
I am sure everyone here has a story or has at least heard a story about the perfect couple who fell in love at first sight and stayed that way for decades. This, like the guy who smoked two packs a day and lived to be 90, and the rich kid who didn’t drive his father’s business into the ground, is an anomaly.
More times than not, when we fall madly in love, the intensity will dissipate and all of the pain that each person was trying to mask with this “drug” will not just return, but come back with a vengeance. I know because I have been living this pattern for a while. There have been exceptions but we’re talking a few times in my life.
I’ve heard it said, I think by Ram Dass, that relationships are great places to discover how screwed in the head you are. I’m paraphrasing, obviously but not too terribly.
In the most simplistic and basic way of looking at things, many people seek relationships to fulfill their sexual needs or to feel validated or because they don’t feel complete without a partner. All the pain and hurt from their childhood that they never processed seems to evaporate when the right person tells them how cute they are or how desired they are.
But “seems” is the operative word. The trauma, the hurt, the pain—it’s only really masked. And like anything else you mask with drugs (or drug like love) it comes back. Even worse than before. And what’s the worst part? Both people are convinced that the other is causing their misery and, most of the time, comfort themselves with the thought that someone else will be much better for them.
So why does it keep happening? Well I just told you. It’s not coming from your partner.
Wisdom comes when two people realize that this will be inevitable. The dreamy quality will become less intense and, yes, the arguments will start. The hurt feelings will start. The resentments will start. The escape plan will begin to be contemplated.
This will lead to the biggest choice of your life: continue to bounce around and play this out with five or six more people or make your relationship your sadhana. Your spiritual path. The road to enlightenment.
That sounds pretty, doesn’t it? It’s not. It’s ugly. It’s difficult. It will include tears and anger and disappointment and sadness.
But it’s bound to be worth every minute. Somewhere in the midst of all the chaos, there will come a moment when a feeling will wash over you that you are with “your” person.
While it’s delusional to think the right person will make us whole, when we make our relationship our sadhana, we can reach wholeness with the right person by our side.
Love how you start out with something totally different than the actual subject of love and yet composed to great read. Congratulations on finding love and go wild while protecting your heart. And yes, I have known couple who remained in love, I am writing about them now. 💕
I agree with Jann! I love it how it turned into something different. You're the only know who can master multiple themes into one beautiful article. I am your fan.