This is going to sound terribly conceited and misanthropic, but of all the harms that a typical drug dealer perpetrates on their clientele, I think the one that should be punished most severely is taking advantage of the relationship dynamic by making the buyer listen to their painfully boring and mostly fictional anecdotes. If there have ever been times when I have gotten truly disappointed in how low I’ve sunk, it’s when I’m in situations where I feel obligated to act as a quiet and polite audience to some of the most awful conversation I’ve ever experienced.
It almost feels as if they’re well aware of the power they have over you, well aware of how you both know how full of shit they are, but also know you would never endanger the hookup by reacting in any other way but grateful for the time you get to share together. And the whole time you sit there smiling and nodding along, you’re thinking, “What is the least offensive thing I can say to get myself the f*ck out of this misery?”
As I said, addiction has no shortage of indignities attached to it: the drain on financial resources, the havoc it creates in your body, the beating it puts on your psyche, the usurpation of your thoughts and on and on. The list is long and ceaseless but I still find the unwelcome conversation and the theft of one’s time the worst.
There is a reason why the 12 Step programs advertise “freedom from active addiction.” Active addiction is the polar opposite of freedom. As I stated, one is no longer in control of how they utilize any of their resources: time, money, or headspace. After over a decade of thriving in this freedom, I was under the impression that I was pulled back in by boredom.
As much as I tried to fill my days with challenges (such as the goal of landing a book deal,) diversions (such as poorly chosen partners,) and healthy interests (like playing as many gigs as I could book,) there still remained for me what felt like monotonous flatline boredom. I never truly embraced the ability to be in the moment.
With a little more wisdom and experience under my belt, I’m coming to terms with the fact that it goes quite a bit deeper than that. Of course, if you didn’t just get your first iPhone yesterday, you know the entire internet is lousy with articles about childhood trauma. Unfortunately, whenever a topic gets beat to death, people lose interest. Perhaps not in a humanitarian way, but in an internet way. An article that once would have garnered tens of thousands of views eventually becomes largely ignored.
But let’s put the internet aside for a moment and look at this like humanitarians: there are so many examples of the pain people endured in childhood eventually snuffing them out prematurely, we’d be remiss if we just stopped paying attention to it because of over saturation.
Whether the cause is alcohol, substances, domestic violence, food or senseless crime, you can draw a line in practically every situation from old, unaddressed pain to the obituary.
In my own situation, I am not in the dark about where I am living at this point. I happen to be in a very fertile area in my therapy. As scary as my life seems at the moment, there exists something real and poignant about dissecting my childhood as I am currently living in the manifestation of my pain and not just approaching it from the hypothetical or the past.
But please don’t get me wrong— I would never suggest a person put themselves in harm’s way for the sake of cutting edge therapy. If you are in a good place, congratulate yourself and stay right where you are. But if you are not, there probably isn’t a better time to do the hard work as you observe first hand where your motivations are.
If it sounds like I’m trying to justify less than ideal behavior, it’s because I am. I am peering into sobriety the way one looks at an apartment they’re just not sure about. Like, I know I need a roof over my head, but is that really my only option?
Well yes…for me, it is my only option. You know, besides the one where everyone dresses in uncomfortable clothes and talks about how wonderful you once were. And while there is no guarantee that plane of existence is worse, I have children that I need to be around for.
But I was hoping to maybe take a look at one other place first.
Just to make sure.
This resonates with how I feel about grief and loss and processing how to keep going without those who have been in your world as long as you've been alive. Maybe it's a far cry from addiction and maybe I'm overstepping my boundaries by voicing that but it brings all those feelings to the surface. In my mind, when any relationship you have with anything (the good, the bad and the ultimate ugly) goes away, that results in an imbalance from head to toe. Life swirls around like nothing ever happened, but meanwhile you feel stuck in this stagnate bubble that leaves you feeling helpless, breathless, worthless etc. etc. But, trying to shift the focus to "what's left" vs "what's gone" has been a major healing component for me and maybe others out there? The pain still resonates but it learns to coexist with the joy or we're doomed. Thank you again and again for your willingness to share, to be vulnerable and therefore give permission for others to follow suit. #pioneer
Bravo. Keep Kicking Ass!