Surviving This Stupid Pony Ride
As a person who has run from every bad feeling I've ever experienced, I can tell you, it doesn't work...
“I’ve never had much of a problem opening myself up honestly.”
As I sat in my little hybrid Lexus in the parking lot of the Maybrook, NY Yellow Freight terminal, this was the first line I tapped out. Then I laughed out loud. Obviously, it’s not altogether accurate. Most of the time, I have issues with boundaries. Sometimes even with my kids. I talk to them like they are adults and they’ll admit to me that they have no idea what I’m talking about. Other times, I omit certain things that I shouldn’t. I have had numerous sessions with my therapist where I have kept truths to myself because I didn’t want her to know that I drank or used. Eventually, though, I spill the beans.
I’ve tried California Sober, I’ve tried harm reduction, and I’ve even tried SMART Recovery but, kind of like Demi Lovato, I’m finding that all out sobriety works the best.
I don’t feel bad about it, though. Sure, it’s wonderful to post about having “double digit clean time” and experiencing 150 people on Facebook telling you how wonderful you are, but that shit is fleeting. Besides, I still have certain reservations about the Anonymous programs. Most especially, the part about making a disease an integral part of one’s identity. (I’m not even completely onboard with the disease model of addiction to begin with.)
I know, for myself, I grew up observing my mother and she was as close to an amateur pharmacist as one could get. Nervous? Here, I have this. Headache? Take one of these. Can’t sleep? I think I have..ah, here it is! Take this.
With that as a foundation, it’s not too far a leap to get to:
Sad because your kids are spending more time with some dude than you? Here take this.
Or:
Not sure why you get up in the morning anymore? This’ll help.
One might even say that I am doing nothing more than following the example of my first teacher: my mother. It’s not ironic that she died from a premature shut down of her endocrine system. If you’re going to throw a chemical at everything in your body as soon as conditions are not optimum or perfect, that might be your reward, too. Need I go into the fact that discomfort is a warning system, not a thing that needs to be squashed the moment it happens? You can laugh all you want about the woo woo queen, Pema Chodren, but she was onto something with all of that “lean into” bullshit.
As a person who has run from every bad feeling I’ve ever experienced, I can tell you, it doesn’t work. It might provide a temporary fix, but the alcohol wears off, you come down off the high and wherever you think you’re running to, I promise, there you will be. There’s no getting away. This is a very important topic and right off the top of my head, I can think of numerous works of fiction, movies, theatrical works and songs that try to drive this point home. But running away is a human response and I understand the temptation to do so, better than I understand most other things.
At 52 years old, just a few days ago, my 10 year old daughter called me and her little voice was being drowned out by the unmistakable sound of some deep masculine voice in the background. It annoyed the f*ck out of me. Initially, I couldn’t help feeling like it might’ve been cool for this person to shut up for the three minutes I get to talk to my kids everyday, but, of course, there’s a lot more to it than that.
It was an awful feeling and all I wanted to do was take something or drink something to get away from it. It triggers me and dredges up trauma from the past. I’ve already had a child who doesn’t acknowledge my existence because her mother brought her up to recognize her boyfriend as the father and me as a breathing ATM machine. I don’t know if I could survive this a second time.
I have a very cynical friend who recently said, “Nobody sees their kids anymore. Most people wind up sending money to finance the lives of the kids they helped to create but spend their time with other people’s kids.” It’s kind of humorous, but it’s true. And seriously, how are you going to compete when, as a parent, you try to discipline them but the other guy love bombs the hell out of them? Most grown women don’t realize this is happening, so a child doesn’t stand a chance.
Well, to get back to what I was saying earlier, this is the sort of pain that a person really needs to lean into. Or, hey, let me stop speaking for people I don’t even know: this is something I need to lean into. Perhaps they will grow up closer to this random person than to me, what then? It’s entirely possible.
The answer is to just sit with it and allow it to do what it does. If it feels like it’s transporting me to the darkest pain I’ve ever experienced, so be it. As I mentioned last week, what does not annihilate us will make us stronger.
And sometimes that’s enough of a reason to do something. Because we all need all the strength we can get to survive this pony ride.
Leaning into this one like so many others you've given us :) Totally relate to the bits & pieces aspect, referring to show and tell therapist sessions. I call mine selective skeleton sharing, whereby I pick and choose which skeletons I choose to share with which people I come in contact with much of the time. Is that the best method, probably not, hence the fact that my tribe shrinks with every passing year. Ready to saddle up right along with ya, life is out there waiting. Kudos for another weekend treasure.
Thanks, Billy, for yet another great read and an honest one. I cannot relate on the children aspect of this piece since I grew up with both birth parents who were in an amazing relationship, but I can relate in that it takes courage and will power to not fall into "help". I let go of the substances decades ago, many decades. Except the pinot grigio- my excuse: it's my only vice. Yeah, like that's a reason. I will go periods, short ones, without it and it feels so good. Then the clock strikes a certain time, or folks are posting alcohol memes or ads pop up with folks sitting around dinner, drinking wine and laughing and BAM! the wine glass comes out of the cabinet. One day though- I feel as if I am getting there. And I am opening up about it. Thank you 😎💜