Sorry Ain’t Nothin’ To Me
“A man always finds it hard to realize that he may have finally lost a woman’s love, however badly he may have treated her.”
There is a Sherlock Holmes story called “The Musgrave Ritual,” where the famous detective says, “A man always finds it hard to realize that he may have finally lost a woman’s love, however badly he may have treated her.” It’s the sort of line one might gloss over quickly without giving it much thought, but it always stuck with me. Over the years, as I have revisited these stories, the line grew to become more and more haunting.
What made Arthur Conan Doyle such a masterful storyteller was his ability to write something so succinct and obvious and have it stick with the reader for years to come. I bring it up because it was one of the first things I thought about yesterday when my “supervisor,” a 26-year-old dimwit, apologized to me after acting like a complete asshole for hours on end.
I knew, as he humbled himself and apologized for essentially ruining my entire afternoon, that he walked away from that exchange convinced he set everything straight. “Well,” he likely thought to himself, “I hate having to admit I was wrong and even throw in a few self deprecating remarks, but he was clearly starting to hate my guts, so I had to do something.”
What he was too thick headed to appreciate was that he put me on the spot and I had no real choice but to mouth the words, “It’s okay.” It was not okay and I will always see him for what he is. I may have to keep it to myself to maintain harmony at work, but our “relationship” is irreparably damaged.
Being inexperienced and unable to understand the motives and feelings of other people, he will most likely go through life thinking he has carte blanche to act like a petulant shithead whenever the mood strikes him. If he detects anger, he figures he’ll just apologize and all will be well. It’s a lot like most people who are abusive to their partners. They act toxic, violent and cruel and then apologize later. And like that Conan Doyle line, they will never understand that “sorry” doesn’t mean a damn thing.
Much like the scene between me and my supervisor, the battered spouse will also accept the apology just to keep the peace. But they will also mentally start packing their bags. And even in cases where the man or woman is too scared to physically remove themselves, they are forever lost to the abusive person. They become an unwilling hostage.
“Sorry” is something you say when you eat the last creamsicle. “Sorry” works if you forget to pick up butter on the way home. Or step on someone’s toes during the slow dance. “Sorry” is not sufficient if you are gratuitously mean, abusive, toxic or simply put, an asshole.
The days of men screwing their secretaries and smoothing it over with long stem roses are, thankfully, over. We have entered a new age of accountability.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to be “woke.” The word accountability has lately come to mean losing one’s career for an ignorantly worded tweet during Obama’s first term. That’s not accountability. That’s usually people who have never accomplished anything taking pleasure in ruining the lives and careers of people who have.
The accountability I’m talking about is related to what a person did today. How someone with a modicum of power treats his or her subordinates, or how someone treats their partner.
To be honest, there are people who believe they “get away” with it, but that’s delusional thinking. Even if they could escape their own karma, a person has to be myopic—maybe blind is a better word—to think that they could put shit out into the world and get back cotton candy. That’s just not how this carnival works. Even if, from all outward appearances, a person seems to act like a dick with impunity, I can promise you that in their quiet moments, they’re paying the price. Even if it is a price most people will never see.
It is totally within reason to supervise others without emotional outbursts and mean spirited name calling. As a matter of fact, one can more effectively govern and manage people without it. Most seasoned and intelligent people in supervisory roles will attest that the more they allow their emotions to steer the bus, the faster they lose the cooperation of the people they rely on to produce results. Most organizations have disciplinary measures in place for insubordination and poor performance, so threats and tantrums are generally unnecessary.
More often than not, it’s painfully obvious that these tactics are never employed to produce results. They are used to feed the ego of the user. And this particular person who inspired this treatise is a great example. I can tell, by the merest observation, that he relishes every opportunity he can find to talk to people twice his age with derision and disrespect.
If you ever have an hour to kill, look up The Musgrave Ritual on YouTube. The Grenada version with Jeremy Brett as Sherlock remains pretty strict to canon and it was a top tier production. The protagonist, Brunton the butler, realizes his karma in an underground sepulcher and the overarching feeling one is left with is “it couldn’t have happened to a nicer fella.”
Great topic this week Billy. Just sorry it had to be from personal experience. I have had a couple bosses like that in the past, and sadly, relationships as well. My lesson learned was to be the kind of supervisor I wanted. Thank you for sharing this with us.