According to Leo Tolstoy, our main task in this life is to become a better person.
I don’t entirely disagree. Lately, when my eyes begin to open in the morning, I have been thinking exactly that. What have I been doing recently that hasn’t been completely virtuous and not in line with this principle? Well, a lot, really. And without giving away too much personal information, I thought it might be a good idea to reevaluate my actions and strive to act differently.
First, I’m 53 years old. The flirting thing has to stop. I think, if I’m not mistaken, I am the same age as Wilford Brimley was when he started doing those “Diabeetus” commercials. Now, I can get a cool haircut and wear leather jackets and try to fight off the reality of the whole thing, but it might be in my best interest to think of myself as Wilford Brimley. Presenting myself any other way is just asking to be embarrassed. Dating, sex, relationships, love affairs–leave all of that stuff to the younger generations. I’m really being unrealistic to see it any other way.
Besides that, if you had your choice to be seen as a benevolent and cheerful old man or an old codger looking to get over, the right answer is so obvious. So, from this point on, when I have any interaction, at work or otherwise with anyone under the age of 45, I’m going to think “diabeetus.”
Second, I need to be more chill with my kids. Yeah, they eat Doritos and leave pieces all over the floor. Yes, it’s true, they always leave my car looking like a fast moving dumpster, but that is what being a father is all about. There are millions of men in this world that would give just about anything to have two little girls to constantly be picking up after.
Also, I tend to isolate way too much. Everything you see on social media keeps plowing the idea into our heads that human social connections are the thing that will make us happier than most anything else. As a matter of fact, there are numerous studies (there always are numerous studies) that prove that friendships and social connections are the key to longevity. Provided, of course, that they don’t take an insurance policy out under your name and then throw you off a cliff. You have to be real discerning about who you become friends with.
Which also reminds me: Dateline and true crime podcasts and shows. I waste far too much time watching these terrible examples of how bad bad can truly get. These are all terrible stories, but luckily they are anomalies and not something that one should spend much of their time watching or thinking about. It’s a lot like driving slow past a car accident, but ten times worse. One is actually sitting down to consume this as entertainment or as a pastime in one’s Airpods. If I want to be a better person, there are surely many other ways I could be spending my time.
I mean, even if I’m able to be a friendly guy at work, continue to go to therapy every week, be Mr.Rogers for my kids and plow away at a new novel over the winter, I’d practically be 80% of the way to where I want to be. More than anything else, I want to be known as a guy who grew old gracefully. I don’t want to be seen as someone who clutched onto their youth with every sinew of their strength.
I want to think benign old man thoughts and be a mensch to my children and an asset at work. Is that really all that much to ask for? Actually, sometimes it is.
Sometimes, I allow the pain of the world to infiltrate my being and it causes me to want to exploit every avenue of instant gratification that the world so plentifully supplies. Sex, drugs and rock n roll. And gratuitous anger. Unfortunately, it is my indulgence in these things that have made me feel so icky inside and caused me to wake up in the morning lost in the thoughts of what I would need to do to finally like who I see in the mirror.
I have been struggling with depression for quite some time now. I may just come out with it. There was something about being in Italy alone, the way I was, that made me really start to feel a deafening sadness inside of me. I never felt so lonely in my alone-ness. But, what I am doing right now is exactly what a person should do when they reach this place; allow themselves to feel sad and evaluate what to do about it.
It is at these precise moments when our greatest growth occurs. And all of these improvements that I am speaking about, what else can they be called besides growth?
Thanks for sharing. As a 54 year old, I can relate to all of this! I isolated more than ever this past year and was also going through depression, processing all the loss of the last couple years, and don't even get me started on menopause! We are our own worst critics, so don't forget to be gentle with yourself; you have accomplished far more than you give yourself credit for.
I appreciate your honesty in exploring these observations with us, Billy. And, as far as friends, I find it more difficult to make them as I age. You have a good plan, hang in there.