Is It Duhka or Just Plain Dookie?
The mouse who finds herself three hundred feet in the air, clutched tightly in the talons of a white tailed hawk did not manifest that situation.
Money for writing has been harder and harder to come by lately. This makes me feel incredibly inspired to create something worthwhile whenever unexpected financial remuneration for my work appears in my account. Such a thing happened this past weekend and I was so thrilled, I wrote a thank you note to my friend for being a lovely and supportive patron of the arts.
Last year when I finished the first draft of my novel, I immediately began waking up every morning, just as I did for months prior, but switched right to short stories. This year, following the completion of my second novel, I decided to forego the transition to writing short stories and instead just start living in one.
The setting and atmosphere is a bit cliche—what with it taking place chiefly on social media—but the characters are somewhat relatable. Flawed and possessed of dubious motivations, too. This helps give way to the more important elements: the conflict and the theme. That isn’t wanting in this Gothic classic, either. Think “Hound of the Baskervilles” but instead of a ghastly and spectral hound, it’s the protagonist's own trauma that sniffs him out and tries to tear out his jugular on the outskirts of the Grimpen Moor.
Of course, this is a pedestrian attempt at a description due to the fact that, so far, my therapist is the only person I feel comfortable enough to dig into the details with. And that took nearly three years of sitting in a room together for an hour every week. I imagine the speed with which I trust most people goes at about the same pace.
As a character, nothing spells three dimensional quite like an over-sharer with no boundaries who doesn’t trust anyone. Shit, there’s three contradictions in that one sentence alone. The other main character is a bit harder for me to describe because–remember I’m not the author–I’m just another one of the characters. And not a very good judge, either. Just a typical unreliable narrator.
And then we have the Duhkha. Whether you are Holden Caulfield or Jay Gatsby, it is the Duhkha that will create all the friction. And no matter how much the New Age population wants to try to make you believe you manifest your own hardships, I can assure you that this is usually not true. The mouse who finds herself three hundred feet in the air, clutched tightly in the talons of a white tailed hawk did not manifest that situation. That is the one commonality you will find in both the California Pocket Mouse and the Long Island Car Salesman. Well, maybe you can find five or six more commonalities if you’re fortunate enough to have read a fair amount of David Sedaris.
I told the other main character just yesterday that I have been in a hostage situation disguised as a relationship once before and I recognize what I’m seeing. And as I drove into work, I thought about how superior I was to her current boyfriend because he handles heartbreak with emotional blackmail and attempts at gaining pity. All I do is smile as someone tears my heart out of my chest. Perhaps I also experience homicidal road rage and self-destructive behaviors that could be looked at as very selfish if my pharmacological equations go sideways at some point, but really, that’s it.
Is the proclivity to repress sadness and hurt better, in fact, than the dirty diaper approach? Yes, but with a few caveats. I have allowed myself to get strung along by women in the past and the repressed anger will tend to escape via passive aggression.
Why?
Because no matter how I try to package it up and sell it to myself, it amounts to nothing more mysterious than wanting desperately to get laid. Very dude-like. And just because the sexual desire is quenched, there is no guarantee that the resentment is going anywhere any time soon. Except in the form of passive aggressive behavior that will never be comprehended by either party.
If you walk away from someone before something like this can happen, you will invariably be perceived as a standoffish jerk. However, if you do it to spare the other person from finding themselves in another crap relationship, it doesn’t really matter how it’s perceived.
This may sound contradictory to what I proposed last week, but it isn’t. It’s okay to make your relationship your Sadhana if the relationship is, at least, built on a decent foundation. Beginning a relationship under the other circumstances puts the foundation on quicksand and instead of Sadhana you just get “Sad Hannah.” Or Sad Julie, as the case may be
Either way, my own personal experience has guided me this far and I have to listen to my heart.
I used to think the perfect birthday would include affection, love, great sex and engaging pillow talk. But now I’m starting to realize that the best present I can give myself is a shot at maintaining some self esteem.
Excellent, well-written and held my interest. The last paragraph is a good wrap up. Thanks Billy!
I love the concept of "living in a short story". Lol I can connect with that. I transition so fast from one thing to another, including to writing. I can't wait to read your novels and see that side of you (what I know for sure if the articles and musings on life - which I love too!)