As I reach the unceremonious conclusion of my (mostly self-inflicted) bout of depression, I kind of feel a bit like Moses descending Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments. Although, unlike the Ten Commandments, I have every intention of following each one of the truths that have made themselves known to me at such an odd time in my life–a time where I am trying to balance the strangeness of my childhood with the alienation of middle age; the necessity of work life balance with the incessant pressure of an out of control period of inflation. A time where I realize that I could not possibly cohabitate with anyone but simultaneously, become petrified at the thought of dying alone.
It’s a lot to take in and there is every reason in the world where anyone might feel emotionally overwhelmed by all of it. However, it was this exact set of circumstances that helped me reach my first inalienable truth:
1-Never allow the big questions to steamroll you. Live inside the big questions. They can be fuel and they can seed every creative pursuit you attempt to undertake. It is not the questions that are a drag, anyway. It is usually the trepidation we possess as we approach them. When you live in them, they will no longer scare you. Like Rilke said, “That something is difficult is one more reason to do it.”
Of course, once I was able to grab hold of that idea, I glanced down the tablet to read the other nine:
2-Find out where you excel and build a house there. This will be where your most authentic joy comes from. No material possession will ever feel as good.
3-If you could have everything in the world, don’t take it. When you have everything, you have nothing. When you have nothing, a bowl of rigatoni is everything. The giggle of a little girl is everything. A nap on Sunday afternoon is…everything.
4-Loneliness and solitude are not curses to be endured or crosses to bear but gifts from the universe. One must embrace that they are alone for a bigger reason than they could ever comprehend. Reasons that may defy one’s imagination. Never push against the flow of the oceans. Surf the waves.
5-Never romanticize the dead. Two of the most self-centered jackasses I know died young and every year the people in my neighborhood post these paeans about what wonderful, charismatic and lovely saints they were. The fact that they ignored their kids, never paid child support and never learned the art of staying employed are largely ignored. But the dead are fictional and perfect. They are nothing more than a concept. An idea. Ideas don’t get body odor, don’t pass wind and never interrupt you on a Sunday morning. The living can’t compete.
6-Beware Cheap Dopamine. Sure, it always feels good to call someone out on their racism, sexism, ageism, misogyny, and ableism; and I’ve also been tempted to point out the average baby boomer’s need to write in All Caps and use a photo of their dog as a profile pic, but I just don’t. Trolls survive on this kind of dopamine. And unless you live under a bridge, you should probably aspire toward being more than a troll. And for God’s sake, never join a dogpile on Twitter or X or Instagram. That is worse than being a troll. You’ll just be a troll follower.
7-Comfort Zones are for holidays, not 30 year mortgages–I’ll be the first to admit, I slept for nearly a week straight over the holiday, some nights even turning in before it got dark (which, for November in NY, that’s really saying something). I was depressed, but more than that, I enjoyed being that miserable. It’s all I wanted to do. It became my comfort zone. I understood it, I allowed it for a week and then I got the hell out of there.
8-Don’t begrudge your problems—I mentioned Rilke before, so allow me the indulgence again: the first Duino Elegy, known by all of academia to be a masterpiece, began with the line, “Who, if I cried out, would hear me among the angel’s hierarchies.” This line came to Rilke when he was buggin’ about a bill he couldn’t pay and he walked along the bastions that butted up against the Aegean Sea. It came from the water. Or, at least, that’s the legend. Even bills can be inspirational.
9-Be Kind To Yourself- There are two ways to be a productive creative person: you can either work in fits and starts, ups and downs, spells of mania and spells of depression–or, you can go easy and allow yourself some recreation everyday after a couple hours productivity. You’ll most likely find you’ll get the same amount done, but if you stick to the latter routine, you’ll be less likely to suffer the deep downs and the stratospheric highs. And after this last month, I can tell you, the mercurial thing can be poisonous.
10-Never Miss An Opportunity To Make Someone Else Smile–Ironically, this is the theme of A Christmas Carol. Which Pavita and I went to see last night by NYU. Don’t turn your head down to your fellow man. Bring him joy whenever you can.
Thank you for the joy, Pavita.
thank you
Love this and needed the reminders. Thanks Billy.