It doesn’t make much of a difference who Hemingway was talking to when he advised the person to “write hard and clear about what hurts,” it only matters that it is some of the best writing advice I have ever heard. It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Most people would probably think, “Well, I’m not going to write lies.”
Yet, that’s what most people do.
Of course, they’re not the sociopathic kind. It’s not as if most people will write blog articles for mindfulness sites and create a history of themselves out of thin air. It’s usually a lot more subtle. And ten times more insidious. When you read something that bores you to tears, there’s a really good chance that the person is not telling the truth.
I know all the signs of when I am writing “hard and clear about what hurts.” First, I need to bullshit myself with promises that I’ll never publish it. “Just as an exercise,” I’ll tell myself. I will even have a back-up idea of what I’m “really” going to publish after I warm up. Then, when I am done, I imagine what would happen if I worked up the guts to let these deep dark, mostly unflattering truths, out into the world forever. To be naked and exposed to the world in perpetuity. Here, my hands will start to shake a little.
I know what the “truth” usually buys me: loneliness. The women of the middle aged dating pool have to be very careful. They can not allow themselves to become emotionally invested in someone who has done this or who feels that way. Or to be more accurate, they can not afford to get involved with someone who isn’t burning massive calories trying to hide those things.
It all comes out eventually. Every single time. The hope, at least from the guy’s view, is that they will charm themselves into a place where the truth can reveal itself in microdoses and compromises can be worked out. One glance at the Facebook Dating app will tell a different story, though. It’s likely why the same people are still there year after year.
I tend to stay as far from gender stereotypes as I can, but I have observed that most heterosexual women in their forties have at least one marriage or serious monogamous relationship under their belt. These things generally end, and when they do, there is a lot of healing that needs to be done. I can only imagine that when many of these woman are ready to step up to the plate and try again, they will make promises to themselves. “I will never get involved with anyone who (fill in the blank) again”.
This kind of hurdle, for most men, is instinctively known. Hence the need to burn so many calories trying to appear as if you are George Burns after Gracie died. Just a completely innocent gentleman with some bad luck looking to start over. (Just don’t be looking like George Burns. You’ll get better results looking like George Clooney.)
If this is not a good enough reason for someone to stray from writing “hard and clear about what hurts” into soft and ambiguous about what you want to convince other people of, I don’t know what is. As I mentioned, though, you’d be hard pressed not to put your reader to sleep. Bullshit has a way of being obvious, even if it’s not happening on a conscious level.
Regardless, I have made my choice and I live with those consequences. I know that there are literally thousands of pages out on the world wide wasteland that clearly reflect the type of thing that ends relationships before they are even picked from the vine. Relapse? Sure, type my name and the name Mary Oliver into Google for everything you need to know. Recovery? Easy: I have a whole book about that. Childhood trauma? It’s out there. Micro-cheating? Sure. Impulsive and idiotic romantic choices? Don’t mind if I do.
Like I said, I know when prospective partners find my stuff online. It’s usually about twenty before they find a graceful way to sort of fade into the background and look for someone without such a…shall we say… rich history. When it inevitably happens, I am sad and and quiet for a while.
For me, “writing hard and clear about what’s true” usually means I will be both Charlie Brown AND Lucy trying to entice myself to try to kick the ball one more time.
What is the alternative, though?
The world of art, the world of creation, is my safe space. I have experienced the loss of almost everything I have ever longed for. Except for my creations. My songs. My writing. My poetry. Long after my corporeal vehicle has decomposed, these things will remain.
Perhaps instead of sabotaging all of my prospective romances, I am instead running them through a crucible. I have been on the sites long enough to know that trying to be reticent (which is a polite way of saying ‘lying by omission’) is a sucker’s game. Besides, I have been in a relationship where my favorite way to pass the time was to wait for the other shoe to drop. I’d rather just be alone.
I will say this though: that advice was easy for Hemingway to say. He lived in a different time. He was a celebrity after his first novel, “The Sun Also Rises.” He never had to make a profile on e-Harmony. He was lining up the next one before he even began having problems with his current affair.
For me, though, I will be back here next week, with no romantic prospects to speak of, writing hard and clear about exactly that. And I will make you feel it like it’s happening to you.
I’m convinced that is what I am here, on this planet, to do anyway.
There is one other thing you haven’t lost and that is your authenticity. And truth, so two things. Promise me you’ll never stray from Hemingway’s advice. I know you won’t, but promise me anyway.
I agree that most of us women in our 40’s have a lot under our belts. There is a lot of “I’ll never date...” going on. However, those of us who have and are doing the work won’t reduce it to something as simple as former substance abuse or trauma, etc. It’s “I’ll never date someone who abuses me again,” or, I’ll never date a man who won’t do the work to understand himself.” I think you’ll understand what I mean. I promise there are women out there who won’t run at the first sign of a rich history. In fact, they will embrace it when they see what you’ve done to understand and work with all of it. Love you, Billy.
My best pieces are the ones that actually hurt the most. ❤️❤️❤️